i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
