i just wanna soil my oats bro
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
