just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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