Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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