New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize