Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
