I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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