i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
