Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
