I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
