The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
