I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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