I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
