Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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