this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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