I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize