Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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