The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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