I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize