If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
