drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
