I want to walk on stilts...naked
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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