You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
