K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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