theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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