So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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