I think I won the penis lottery.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
