omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
