Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
