i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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