my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize