yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
