I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
