we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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