My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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