So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
