best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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