Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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