you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
