i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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