He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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