Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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