I love how my cats smell like pot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize