i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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