I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
