Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
