I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
