Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
