so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
