cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
should my penis look like a turkey
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
