It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
