we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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