I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have peed in a lot of sinks
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
