I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
