last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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