You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
