Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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