Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
