He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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