if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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