Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
