I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
