so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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