I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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