I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
